Thursday, July 7, 2011

Jerking Off on Facebook

         When it comes to techniques 
         For beating one’s meat
         Nothing can quite compete
         To the feeling you get 
         When you get your dick wet
         Looking at pictures of girls on the Internet
         That you’ve previously met, 
         Especially if they’re barely dressed
         Oh is there anything quite as intimate
         As Jerking Off On Facebook?
         Now before you start accusing me 
         of using my poetry 
         As an opportunity  
         To start abusing this cherished network
         I must protest quite adamantly 
         That is not my intent you see
         In fact the site inspires me  
         To flog my bishop so religiously
         It’s really more of a compliment
         Whenever I Jerk Off On Facebook.
         & I don’t simply view the domain 
         As a vehicle to 
         Help drain
         My testicles of the cum which is compelled to escape  
         Whenever I feel compelled to masturbate 
         I also quite enjoy the status updates
         Whenever I’m Jerking Off On Facebook.
         Cause how I could live life without going insane
         If I didn’t know for sure what Phil ate for lunch today
         Or how much money Jimmy paid for hot dog buns
         Or which season of Lost Sarah is in the middle of
         But I guess for me, the way I feel
         Is if we’re all gonna be so masturbatory
         We might as well just do it for real
         And Start Jerking Off On Facebook.
         Cause when that original nerd Mark Zuckerberg
         Created Facebook and gave it to the world
         The one thing he knew for sure
         Is that lust is what brings us all together
         Without out, we could hardly stand each other
         & all our daily tasks & excursions are really just 
         barely masked                  
         perversions which serve as diversions 
         which occurs when one’s lust is
         submerged in
         the mechanical formalities and tyrannical varieties 
         of this puritanical society we have no choice
         to be born in 
         which is why we must feel so reborn when        
         We’re Jerking Off on Facebook.
         Oh but we’re all so normal when you see on us 
         on the street, 
         with our what’s ups & not much
         and do you have the time & I’m doing just fine
         But the minute we get back home, & we’re all alone,
         & all the lights are out, & all the doors are closed,   
         That’s when we unveil our souls
         Ogling over pictures of people we know
         Cause in the 21st century, intimacy is something 
         does alone
         While Jerking Off On Facebook.
         Yes, we're all such peeping Toms, aren't we?
         Peeping into our computer screens
         But fortunately masturbating in bushes 
         is a thing of the past
         Now we can do it in the privacy of our homes at last
         Pretending we’re breaking into someone’s house when 
         they’re not there
         And looking through their photo albums 
         at all their different colored hair  
         Without once moving from our computer chair
         Oh when it comes to convenience, 
         nothing can quite compare
         To Jerking Off On Facebook.
         & we’re not really at her house 
         & we’re not really home
         & we’re not exactly communicating 
         but we’re not quite alone
         & we’re talking a lot but someone forgot to plug in
         the iPhone
         & we’re not out there and we’re not in here
         & we’re at our most vulnerable 
         when we’re being insincere
         Oh but who can afford to be so blue  
         When there’s just so much these days to jerk off to 
         Especially When You’re Jerking Off On Facebook. 
         & you just got a friend confirmation 
         from an acquaintance
         You don’t remember ever 
         having a conversation with
         And another one from someone 
         you think you met in July
         And there’s photos of her 
         in a skimpy bikini on a windy beach
         In the spring of O’5
         & her favorite movie is Good Will Hunting,
         & her favorite band is Smashing Pumpkins
         & she likes to post quotes from Alexander Pope 
         & Walt Whitman
         And one from Wizard of Oz 
         said by one of the munchkins-
         Or was it the Tinman?-
         & you know her so well 
         even though you only talked to her once
         But now that you’re thinking about it 
         you’re thinking the conversation
         Might have been with someone else
         Oh it’s so hard to keep track of people 
         you don’t know
         When You’re Jerking Off On Facebook.
         And there’s new pictures of your best friend’s 
         15-year-old sister Lizzie
         & all her fifteen-year-old friends
         & all their fifteen-year-old titties
         & you befriend them all in the end
         Not the titties, 
         but your best friend’s sister’s best friends
         And they accept your friend request 
         even though they also don’t quite                     
         When exactly you two met
         But I’m sure 
         it was some time somewhere someway back when
         When they were hanging out 
         with their other best friends
         & what does it matter in the end?
         We’re all so close anyway 
         in this global community we’re living in
         Oh, I’m so emotionally invested in  
         Jerking Off On Facebook.   
         & in the end, my friends,
         it’s just so nice to see 
         society harmonize so harmoniously
         We’re all bound so tightly together
         As tightly as lovers 
         As we sit alone
         in a dark room at night 
         looking at pictures of one another
         While Jerking Off On Facebook.

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