Jerking Off on Facebook

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         When it comes to techniques 

         For beating one’s meat

         Nothing can quite compete

         To the feeling you get 
         When you get your dick wet

         Looking at pictures of girls on the Internet

         That you’ve previously met, 

         Especially if they’re barely dressed

         Oh is there anything quite as intimate

         As Jerking Off On Facebook?

         Now before you start accusing me 
         of using my poetry 

         As an opportunity  
         To start abusing this cherished network

         I must protest quite adamantly 
         That is not my intent you see

         In fact the site inspires me  
         To flog my bishop so religiously

         It’s really more of a compliment

         Whenever I Jerk Off On Facebook.

         & I don’t simply view the domain 
         As a vehicle to 

         Help drain

         My testicles of the cum which is compelled to escape  

         Whenever I feel compelled to masturbate 

         I also quite enjoy the status updates

         Whenever I’m Jerking Off On Facebook.

         Cause how I could live life without going insane

         If I didn’t know for sure what Phil ate for lunch today

         Or how much money Jimmy paid for hot dog buns

         Or which season of Lost Sarah is in the middle of

         But I guess for me, the way I feel

         Is if we’re all gonna be so masturbatory

         We might as well just do it for real

         And Start Jerking Off On Facebook.

         Cause when that original nerd Mark Zuckerberg

         Created Facebook and gave it to the world

         The one thing he knew for sure

         Is that lust is what brings us all together

         Without out, we could hardly stand each other

         & all our daily tasks & excursions are really just 

         barely masked                  

         perversions which serve as diversions 

         which occurs when one’s lust is

         submerged in

         the mechanical formalities and tyrannical varieties 

         of this puritanical society we have no choice

         to be born in 

         which is why we must feel so reborn when        

         We’re Jerking Off on Facebook.

         Oh but we’re all so normal when you see on us 

         on the street, 

         with our what’s ups & not much

         and do you have the time & I’m doing just fine

         But the minute we get back home, & we’re all alone,

         & all the lights are out, & all the doors are closed,   

         That’s when we unveil our souls

         Ogling over pictures of people we know

         Cause in the 21^st century, intimacy is something 

         one 

         does alone

         While Jerking Off On Facebook.

         Yes, we're all such peeping Toms, aren't we?

         Peeping into our computer screens

         But fortunately masturbating in bushes 

         is a thing of the past

         Now we can do it in the privacy of our homes at last

         Pretending we’re breaking into someone’s house when 

         they’re not there

         And looking through their photo albums 

         at all their different colored hair  

         Without once moving from our computer chair

         Oh when it comes to convenience, 

         nothing can quite compare

         To Jerking Off On Facebook.

         & we’re not really at her house 

         & we’re not really home

         & we’re not exactly communicating 

         but we’re not quite alone

         & we’re talking a lot but someone forgot to plug in

         the iPhone

         & we’re not out there and we’re not in here

         & we’re at our most vulnerable 

         when we’re being insincere

         Oh but who can afford to be so blue  

         When there’s just so much these days to jerk off to 

         Especially When You’re Jerking Off On Facebook. 

         & you just got a friend confirmation 

         from an acquaintance

         You don’t remember ever 

         having a conversation with

         And another one from someone 

         you think you met in July

         And there’s photos of her 

         in a skimpy bikini on a windy beach

         In the spring of O’5

         & her favorite movie is Good Will Hunting,

         & her favorite band is Smashing Pumpkins

         & she likes to post quotes from Alexander Pope 

         & Walt Whitman

         And one from Wizard of Oz 
         said by one of the munchkins-

         Or was it the Tinman?-
         & you know her so well 

         even though you only talked to her once

         But now that you’re thinking about it 

         you’re thinking the conversation

         Might have been with someone else

         Oh it’s so hard to keep track of people 

         you don’t know

         When You’re Jerking Off On Facebook.

         And there’s new pictures of your best friend’s 

         15-year-old sister Lizzie

         & all her fifteen-year-old friends

         & all their fifteen-year-old titties

         & you befriend them all in the end

         Not the titties, 

         but your best friend’s sister’s best friends

         And they accept your friend request 

         even though they also don’t quite                     

            recollect 
         When exactly you two met

         But I’m sure 

         it was some time somewhere someway back when

         When they were hanging out 

         with their other best friends

         & what does it matter in the end?

         We’re all so close anyway 

         in this global community we’re living in

         Oh, I’m so emotionally invested in  

         Jerking Off On Facebook.   

         & in the end, my friends,

         it’s just so nice to see 

         society harmonize so harmoniously

         We’re all bound so tightly together

         As tightly as lovers 

         As we sit alone
         in a dark room at night 
         looking at pictures of one another

         While Jerking Off On Facebook.