Suicide

   
       Not worth considering for too long

       but I'll confess

       when it comes to fantasies to help you get through the day

       this one is the best.

       A final decision in a life made up of so many indecisions

       A firm direction in a life so full of second guesses  

       A journey, a decision, a statement

       Going off book, missing your cue,  

       The fast forward button on a movie where the ending has already been ruined for you

       Something hasty, something impetuous,

       something alluring

       Especially on a day

       That isn’t just not exciting

       But on days when excitement itself feels boring 

       A real incentive, a go getter, an Uplifter

       The definition of a game changer

       Growing tired of always changing

       in a game that never does 

       Throwing away your heart after watching it

       get handled

       by someone who can’t love

       The need to do something for once

       That doesn’t get undone

       The embodiment of giving up

       A sigh to end all sighing

       A lie to end all lying

       A middle finger to all those posters about how you should never stop trying

       Something to do on a rainy day

       when the only board game in the house is monopoly and you already played it five times
       today

       Exercise for the lazy

       The last work out

       The last Yoga Class

       The last bout  

       The last place where they still accept cash

       The last waltz,

       the last time you rent the Last Waltz,

       The last midnight, the last dance, the last time you get cum on your pants,

       The last time you miss the buss, the last kiss,

       The last time you do anything else

       The first time you’ll do this

       The last time you’ll do it too

       Something you know you won’t have any problem committing to 

       A resting place for the wandering Jew

       Throwing the chessboard over 
       when you know the other player’s got you beat in five moves 

       Cutting the strings off the guitar where that guy in the Picasso painting is
       forever playing the blues 

       Watching the future get crushed underneath the waves of the past

       Leaving the track before you have to see your horse come in last 

       A change to end all changes

       The last wind that uproots the last grain of wheat,

       The missing puzzle piece in the puzzle you can’t ever seem to complete, 

       A choice in a life where you feel as if you haven’t chosen anything 

       Sometimes a good reason

       Sometimes because you can’t see the forest from the trees where you’re screaming 

       Sleeping the whole day through

       so you won’t have to wake up to another dream that doesn’t come true

       The last thing to forget

       The first thing you won’t regret

       Cutting off your nose to spite your face

       Throwing the baby out with the bath water

       Moving back in with your mother and father   

       Looking at the sun after it becomes too blinding

       Seeking death while death is still seeking the place

       Where he still thinks you’re hiding
       Dumping out the food before it spoils 
       Unshuffling this mortal coil 
       Lifting the world off the back of a turtle 
       Buying a one way ticket to the 7th Circle

       Unwinding the clock, unlocking the wind

       Unraveling the clouds, unknotting the sea

       Losing everything you’ve ever found

       To finally find out what losing really means

       Freeing up your time

       Clearing up your schedule

       Giving away all the things you said 

       you’d give away in your will

       A good exit line at a party that you’ve been dragged to against your will

       And everyone there are people you’ve been forced to talk to 

       So you lock yourself in the bathroom

       And you feel trapped- mentally, spiritually, metaphorically,

       And also cause you just locked yourself in the bathroom

       And you look in the mirror and never have you seen clearer

       The bars of the cage that you’ve never not been looking through

       And life is a dream someone else is dreaming for you

       A roulette wheel that someone else placed money down on

       for you

       A sinking ship you never bought a ticket to

       And there’s never been a place you’ve been that you weren’t dragged to

       There’s never been a book you didn’t read because you had to

       Someone you didn’t love because love forced it out of you

       And just then

       You remember 

       That you can leave this party anytime

       And that, though it wasn’t your decision to attend,

       It can be always be your decision to fast forward to the end

       And if bailing casts a shadow on the party for the other guests,

       Well sometimes it can be quite liberating to not give a shit. 

       To wedge the end into the middle of whatever thing it is 
       you’ve awoken to find yourself in

       And suddenly, you can breathe again 

       And your face looks much brighter in the bathroom mirror

       And that trapped feeling is no longer the expression you’re wearing

       And the heavy luggage you were holding you realize is no longer that heavy
       or maybe it’s that you’re not holding it any longer

       And you smile to yourself

       And go back and join the party.