THOSE HORNY DAYS OF YORE

         Once upon a midnight dreary, while I jerked off weak and weary  

         Over many a quaint and curious volume of Hard core Asian Porn 

         While my monkey I was slapping, suddenly there came a tapping

         As if someone loudly rapping, rapping at my bedroom door. 

         ‘Tis my mother,’ I muttered, wanting me to do some stupid chore

         ‘Tis that dumb bitch, and nothing more.  

         Ah distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December

         And each separate yank off session wrought its semen on the floor. 

         Eagerly I wished to yank it, quickly I sought my blanket  

         And began to spank it to my vast collection of Asian porn 

         For jerking off quite consumed me in those horny days of yore    

         Those horny days nevermore.  

         And the slipping and the sliding of each three-inch Asian cock inside her 

         Thrilled me- filled me with orgasmic splendors never felt before

         So when I heard that rapping, that annoyingly familiar tapping

         I was inclined to thinking it was my Mother at the door

         And so kindly I did say, “Go away you stupid whore!”

         And return nevermore. 

         Presently my prick grew softer, masturbating then no longer,

         Sir, said I, or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore

         But my dolphin I was waxing, when you came a-loudly rapping

         and so annoying was that rapping, that rapping at my bedroom door

         I thought for sure it was my Mother, but here I have opened the door

         And there is darkness only, and nothing more.

         Into the darkness I was blinking, as my erection started shrinking

         Quicker than if I was peeking into the shower at Michael Moore

         But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,

         And the only word there spoken was the whispered word:

         “STOP JERKING OFF YOU LOSER AND FIND SOME GIRLS!”

         Merely the wind, I said, but then again the words returned: 

          “STOP JERKING OFF YOU LOSER AND FIND SOME GIRLS!” 

         Merely this, and nothing more!

        

         Back I returned to stroking, my dick thru my boxers once more poking,

         When again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before

         “Surely,” said I, there is something out there though not my mother

         Let me see then, what the bother, and this mystery explore

         Let me cease to jerk off a moment and this mystery explore-

         And then go back to jerking off once more.

         Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter

         In there stepped a stately gerbil of the saintly days of yore,

         No greeting words he lent to me, as if he rented the room right next to me

         But his eyes looked right through me, piercing me to the core

         Making it too weird to jerk off…anymore.     

         Then this furry rodent beguiling my sad fancy into smiling

         By the grave and stern decorum that this gerbil was presently wearing  

         Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou, I said, art sure no craven,

         Ghastly grim and ancient gerbil wandering from the nightly shore-

         Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian Shore?

         Quoth the gerbil, “Melvin P. Finkelstein.”

         Like a wind blowing though me I was startled to hear a name so Jewy

         But I was quick in discerning that like the comic Whoopie Goldberg

         This gerbil who spoke to me so boldly must be Jewish in name only

         But the thought that still detained me was what this ominous gerbil

         Meant in croaking, “Quit Jerking Off and Find Some Girls!

         This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing

         To the gerbil whose gaunt eyes now burned into my man bosom’s core

         This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining,

         On the giz stained Spiderman lining of my defiled Comforter

         The giz stained Spiderman lining that reflected all my pining

         And years jerking off to Asian porn. 

         Wretch, said I, thing of evil- prophet still, gerbil or devil  

         Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,

         Whether from Heaven’s sphere or from out of the bum of Richard Gere

         You have crawled to haunt me here- tell me truly, I implore

         Why interrupt me as I am watching this Japanese woman on all fours

         Quote the gerbil, “QUIT JERKING OFF AND FIND SOME GIRLS!”

         These cryptic words and nothing more were all he spoke to me

         Get thee back into the tempest and Hell’s fiery shore-

         Leave no poop droppings as a lasting token of what you’ve spoken 

         Leave thy horniness unbroken, let me watch my hard core Asian porn!

         For I am so lonely I tell thee, so lonely in my deep heart’s core

         Quoth the gerbil, QUIT JERKING OFF AND FIND SOME GIRLS!

         And the gerbil, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting

         On the pallid bust of Pauly Shore just above my bedroom door

         And his eyes have all the seeming of a gerbil that is shitting

         Especially when he is shitting, shitting on my bedroom floor  

         And all the porn that for years on my computer I have stored   

         Shall be jerked off to- nevermore!