Thursday, January 10, 2013

What's Next?

           WHAT’S NEXT?

       It seems like whenever you legalize one immoral activity
         It’s only a matter of time
         Before a plethora of other perverse proclivities
         Soon demands to be accepted into society. 
         Take for instance this whole legalizing gay
         marriage situation,
         it might not seem like such a big deal at first,
         but it's only going to get worse,
         and here's how:
         Well, it starts with legalizing gay marriage
         But the next thing you know is
         A man is seen proposing
         To his son’s pet ferret
         Who was recently in an affair with
         A Lobster with a fetish
         For licking sour cream off of Newt Gingrich
         Who lately could have been seen in
         The city of Malibu with a pastrami sandwich
         He just got married to
         by a priest who likes to taste his own poo-poo 
         right after taking part in a polygamous tryst with Two Verizon Salesmen, a    
         and a fish 
         And that’s only the beginning, my friends
         When gay marriage is no longer viewed
         as a threat to traditional American values    
         Cause pretty soon anywhere you look you will find 
         That every happily married man
         Has a Senegal Parrot on the side
         N’ if you think women have trouble being discreet
         About who they’re having an affair with
         No one’s more vocal or outspoken than Parrots
         And now that all the Parrots the men are having an affair with
         Won’t shut up
         All the traditional marriages start breaking up
         But that’s fine cause at least all the marriages between a
         Man and a duckbilled platypus
         Are on the rise
         And just when you think you finally saw
         The end of the troubles that come with gay marriage
         Being seen as legal in the eyes of the Law
         The next day you read in the paper that Rush Limbaugh
         Was just in a Ménage A Trios
         With the Ayatollah and the son
         of the former Shah
         And when the Arab world finally gets word of
         This breach of moral law 
         It makes the Sunnis so gloomy and the
         Shiites so glum
         They end up issuing a Fatwa on everyone!
         And just when you think nothing worse
         Can start happening
         The next day you find yourself attending
         The wedding of your best friend
         To a Vending Machine
         Who he struck up a conversation with
         In a bar in Amherst Michigan
         After running from the Law
         For an assault charge he got
         For fondling a Mayonnaise Jar
         in Central Park in the back of a horse carriage 
         As it was getting dark 
         And all because we decided to legalize gay marriage!

         And don’t even get me started on Universal Healthcare
         Oh, it might seem innocent first
         Medical bills that no longer empty out your purse
         But the next you thing you know
         your Grandma stubs her toe
         And government officials
         Immediately break in
         and bash her brains in with a fire hose 
         and cut off her head and pluck off her nose
         and rip out her spine and slice off her toes
         and wrap her intestines around the portico 
         And once they’re fairly confident they've killed her
         They tear open her stomach and
         take out her brain, her kidneys, and her liver
         But only to give them to some poor black kid in Harlem
         Who probably only needs them because of all the crack cocaine
         He smokes every evening
         But now that we all have the same benefits
         He gets to be treated just like the rest of us
         And if you think that’s not bad enough
         The next day as your walking
         to your Granny’s funeral
         You get a call from your aunt
         who says your brother just died while getting 
         a kidney transplant 
         Because the doctor was so incompetent
         As a result of how poorly paid they are nowadays
         Instead of taking your brother’s kidney out
         He took out his brain  
         And replaced it with the liver of one of the nurses
         And then donated his eye balls to a squirrel in China
         And gave his buttocks to a baboon in Botswana
         And his rectum to a raccoon in Rwanda
         And his stomach to a swordfish in Sierra Nevada   
         And then said, “Hey, the hospital might not be run
         As efficiently as before,
         But at least the medical bills are a lot more reasonable!”
         And when you finally get to the hospital to make a complaint
         About all the debauchery and absurdity you realize
         It’s too late
         Because the whole country now looks exactly like
         Nazi Germany
         And everyone’s doing the goose step and the
         Joseph Goebbels Double Shuffle
         and the Hermann Hesse Five Step Waltz Fandango
         and the Joseph Mengele Tango
         and killing their grandma whenever they sneeze
         and shooting their grandpa whenever they complain
         about a pain in their knees
         and all because that 
         Muslim Communist Arab Spy Nazi Half-Robot Zombie Barack Obama
         Thought Universal Healthcare would take care of us.
         But you know I’ll tell you quite clearly         
         When it comes to the big problems
         In this country we face yearly
         Gay Marriage and Universal Health Care
         Don’t even compare with 
         the threat of Immigration
         that threatens this Sovereign Nation
         Of Legal Tax-Paying Non-Hispanic Americans  
         Oh it might not seem like too big of a deal at first
         Letting a few barefoot Mexicans
         But the next thing you know your daughter brings home a Latino
         Who immediately rapes your wife on the patio
         After convincing your 4-year-old son to invest in 
         40 tons of Methamphetamines 
         And then forcing you to eat some weird spicy Mexican thing
         That’s filled to the brim with weird meat and Jalapenos
         Which gives you a slight case
         Of Malaria and Typhoid Fever
         And as your running through the halls looking for
         A bathroom to puke in
         You don’t think you’re going to manage
         Cause now all the signs on the doors are in Spanish 
         And so as you just start puking in any old room
         Your wife says she’s pregnant with a Mexican baby
         And she can already feel him stealing things in her womb
         But you can’t hear her words too clear because that Latino just brought
         Over forty of his friends who immediately go into the backyard and have a              
         barbecue for the next four years
         And as your running to the police station
         To get them to start an investigation
         Into some of the negative results you have experienced 
         Lately From our lax Immigration Legislation
         You run into a Chicano gang on the street who
         Gives you their typical friendly greeting     
         which involves being stabbed repeatedly in the chest
         after a severe 5 hour beating
         and when you finally make it to the station
         breathing and puffing and bleeding and exacerbated
         you find the Police Chief and you tell him
         what’s happened
         how your wife has been raped and
         as far as you can tell
         your 4-year-old son’s now pretty high up in the ranks
         of the Juarez Drug Cartel
         and how you’ve been stabbed and beaten
         and kicked and abused and whipped and bruised 
         and worst of all
         forced to eat strange Mexican food 
         and that your tongue still burns whenever you chew 
         and your tooshi still hurts whenever you poo
         and after your finally done recounting all this horror
         you just found yourself in 
         The Police Chief looks up 
         and says with a big grin
         “No Hablo Ingles muy bien!”
         and all because we let a few barefoot Mexicans in.

1 comment:

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