Saturday, January 19, 2013

F.D.A. Approved

             Every day I take a little speed
            I find that it helps to motivate me 
            And whenever my stress gets out of hand
            That's when I down some Diazepam 
            But you don’t got to worry about these drugs I do
            Cause they've all been FDA Approved

            And whenever I think back on all the coke I used to do 
            Man, I must have snorted half of Peru
            And I used to smoke so much weed
            Sober felt like being high to me
            But now I’m a good Samaritan through and through
            All my highs have been FDA Approved

            My parents used to think that I had a problem
            All my friends were so sure I had hit rock bottom
            But now they just sigh and say I'm doin' fine 
            Who knew you could be high and still walk the line?
            Oh but you can, you can, the minute you choose
            Drugs that have been FDA Approved
            Back in the day when I'd take a puff of haze
            It would always end with me in handcuffs getting hauled away 
            But if you don’t want the Law to throw you into prison 
            You better show 'em cops that your pot comes with a prescription
            Oh, you can have your cake and sell it to buy drugs too 
            Just as long as those drugs have been FDA Approved

            And now that I'm finally back to being a member of society
            Certain things are required of me
            If I jump off a ledge, I better land on my head
            Cause suicide’s a crime if you don’t wind up dead
            And my body, well, it ain’t mine to abuse
            Not until the abuse has been FDA Approved 

Friday, January 18, 2013


       Not worth considering for too long
       but I'll confess
       when it comes to fantasies to help you get through the day
       this one is the best.
       A final decision in a life made up of so many indecisions
       A firm direction in a life so full of second guesses  
       A journey, a decision, a statement
       Going off book, missing your cue,  
       The fast forward button on a movie where the ending has already been ruined for you
       Something hasty, something impetuous,
       something alluring
       Especially on a day
       That isn’t just not exciting
       But on days when excitement itself feels boring 
       A real incentive, a go getter, an Uplifter
       The definition of a game changer
       Growing tired of always changing
       in a game that never does 
       Throwing away your heart after watching it
       get handled
       by someone who can’t love
       The need to do something for once
       That doesn’t get undone
       The embodiment of giving up
       A sigh to end all sighing
       A lie to end all lying
       A middle finger to all those posters about how you should never stop trying
       Something to do on a rainy day
       when the only board game in the house is monopoly and you already played it five times
       Exercise for the lazy
       The last work out
       The last Yoga Class
       The last bout  
       The last place where they still accept cash
       The last waltz,
       the last time you rent the Last Waltz,
       The last midnight, the last dance, the last time you get cum on your pants,
       The last time you miss the buss, the last kiss,
       The last time you do anything else
       The first time you’ll do this
       The last time you’ll do it too
       Something you know you won’t have any problem committing to 
       A resting place for the wandering Jew
       Throwing the chessboard over 
       when you know the other player’s got you beat in five moves 
       Cutting the strings off the guitar where that guy in the Picasso painting is
       forever playing the blues 
       Watching the future get crushed underneath the waves of the past
       Leaving the track before you have to see your horse come in last 
       A change to end all changes
       The last wind that uproots the last grain of wheat,
       The missing puzzle piece in the puzzle you can’t ever seem to complete, 
       A choice in a life where you feel as if you haven’t chosen anything 
       Sometimes a good reason
       Sometimes because you can’t see the forest from the trees where you’re screaming 
       Sleeping the whole day through
       so you won’t have to wake up to another dream that doesn’t come true
       The last thing to forget
       The first thing you won’t regret
       Cutting off your nose to spite your face
       Throwing the baby out with the bath water
       Moving back in with your mother and father   
       Looking at the sun after it becomes too blinding
       Seeking death while death is still seeking the place
       Where he still thinks you’re hiding
       Dumping out the food before it spoils 
       Unshuffling this mortal coil 
       Lifting the world off the back of a turtle 
       Buying a one way ticket to the 7th Circle
       Unwinding the clock, unlocking the wind
       Unraveling the clouds, unknotting the sea
       Losing everything you’ve ever found
       To finally find out what losing really means
       Freeing up your time
       Clearing up your schedule
       Giving away all the things you said 
       you’d give away in your will
       A good exit line at a party that you’ve been dragged to against your will
       And everyone there are people you’ve been forced to talk to 
       So you lock yourself in the bathroom
       And you feel trapped- mentally, spiritually, metaphorically,
       And also cause you just locked yourself in the bathroom
       And you look in the mirror and never have you seen clearer
       The bars of the cage that you’ve never not been looking through
       And life is a dream someone else is dreaming for you
       A roulette wheel that someone else placed money down on
       for you
       A sinking ship you never bought a ticket to
       And there’s never been a place you’ve been that you weren’t dragged to
       There’s never been a book you didn’t read because you had to
       Someone you didn’t love because love forced it out of you
       And just then
       You remember 
       That you can leave this party anytime
       And that, though it wasn’t your decision to attend,
       It can be always be your decision to fast forward to the end
       And if bailing casts a shadow on the party for the other guests,
       Well sometimes it can be quite liberating to not give a shit. 
       To wedge the end into the middle of whatever thing it is 
       you’ve awoken to find yourself in
       And suddenly, you can breathe again 
       And your face looks much brighter in the bathroom mirror
       And that trapped feeling is no longer the expression you’re wearing
       And the heavy luggage you were holding you realize is no longer that heavy
       or maybe it’s that you’re not holding it any longer
       And you smile to yourself
       And go back and join the party. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

What's Next?

           WHAT’S NEXT?

       It seems like whenever you legalize one immoral activity
         It’s only a matter of time
         Before a plethora of other perverse proclivities
         Soon demands to be accepted into society. 
         Take for instance this whole legalizing gay
         marriage situation,
         it might not seem like such a big deal at first,
         but it's only going to get worse,
         and here's how:
         Well, it starts with legalizing gay marriage
         But the next thing you know is
         A man is seen proposing
         To his son’s pet ferret
         Who was recently in an affair with
         A Lobster with a fetish
         For licking sour cream off of Newt Gingrich
         Who lately could have been seen in
         The city of Malibu with a pastrami sandwich
         He just got married to
         by a priest who likes to taste his own poo-poo 
         right after taking part in a polygamous tryst with Two Verizon Salesmen, a    
         and a fish 
         And that’s only the beginning, my friends
         When gay marriage is no longer viewed
         as a threat to traditional American values    
         Cause pretty soon anywhere you look you will find 
         That every happily married man
         Has a Senegal Parrot on the side
         N’ if you think women have trouble being discreet
         About who they’re having an affair with
         No one’s more vocal or outspoken than Parrots
         And now that all the Parrots the men are having an affair with
         Won’t shut up
         All the traditional marriages start breaking up
         But that’s fine cause at least all the marriages between a
         Man and a duckbilled platypus
         Are on the rise
         And just when you think you finally saw
         The end of the troubles that come with gay marriage
         Being seen as legal in the eyes of the Law
         The next day you read in the paper that Rush Limbaugh
         Was just in a Ménage A Trios
         With the Ayatollah and the son
         of the former Shah
         And when the Arab world finally gets word of
         This breach of moral law 
         It makes the Sunnis so gloomy and the
         Shiites so glum
         They end up issuing a Fatwa on everyone!
         And just when you think nothing worse
         Can start happening
         The next day you find yourself attending
         The wedding of your best friend
         To a Vending Machine
         Who he struck up a conversation with
         In a bar in Amherst Michigan
         After running from the Law
         For an assault charge he got
         For fondling a Mayonnaise Jar
         in Central Park in the back of a horse carriage 
         As it was getting dark 
         And all because we decided to legalize gay marriage!

         And don’t even get me started on Universal Healthcare
         Oh, it might seem innocent first
         Medical bills that no longer empty out your purse
         But the next you thing you know
         your Grandma stubs her toe
         And government officials
         Immediately break in
         and bash her brains in with a fire hose 
         and cut off her head and pluck off her nose
         and rip out her spine and slice off her toes
         and wrap her intestines around the portico 
         And once they’re fairly confident they've killed her
         They tear open her stomach and
         take out her brain, her kidneys, and her liver
         But only to give them to some poor black kid in Harlem
         Who probably only needs them because of all the crack cocaine
         He smokes every evening
         But now that we all have the same benefits
         He gets to be treated just like the rest of us
         And if you think that’s not bad enough
         The next day as your walking
         to your Granny’s funeral
         You get a call from your aunt
         who says your brother just died while getting 
         a kidney transplant 
         Because the doctor was so incompetent
         As a result of how poorly paid they are nowadays
         Instead of taking your brother’s kidney out
         He took out his brain  
         And replaced it with the liver of one of the nurses
         And then donated his eye balls to a squirrel in China
         And gave his buttocks to a baboon in Botswana
         And his rectum to a raccoon in Rwanda
         And his stomach to a swordfish in Sierra Nevada   
         And then said, “Hey, the hospital might not be run
         As efficiently as before,
         But at least the medical bills are a lot more reasonable!”
         And when you finally get to the hospital to make a complaint
         About all the debauchery and absurdity you realize
         It’s too late
         Because the whole country now looks exactly like
         Nazi Germany
         And everyone’s doing the goose step and the
         Joseph Goebbels Double Shuffle
         and the Hermann Hesse Five Step Waltz Fandango
         and the Joseph Mengele Tango
         and killing their grandma whenever they sneeze
         and shooting their grandpa whenever they complain
         about a pain in their knees
         and all because that 
         Muslim Communist Arab Spy Nazi Half-Robot Zombie Barack Obama
         Thought Universal Healthcare would take care of us.
         But you know I’ll tell you quite clearly         
         When it comes to the big problems
         In this country we face yearly
         Gay Marriage and Universal Health Care
         Don’t even compare with 
         the threat of Immigration
         that threatens this Sovereign Nation
         Of Legal Tax-Paying Non-Hispanic Americans  
         Oh it might not seem like too big of a deal at first
         Letting a few barefoot Mexicans
         But the next thing you know your daughter brings home a Latino
         Who immediately rapes your wife on the patio
         After convincing your 4-year-old son to invest in 
         40 tons of Methamphetamines 
         And then forcing you to eat some weird spicy Mexican thing
         That’s filled to the brim with weird meat and Jalapenos
         Which gives you a slight case
         Of Malaria and Typhoid Fever
         And as your running through the halls looking for
         A bathroom to puke in
         You don’t think you’re going to manage
         Cause now all the signs on the doors are in Spanish 
         And so as you just start puking in any old room
         Your wife says she’s pregnant with a Mexican baby
         And she can already feel him stealing things in her womb
         But you can’t hear her words too clear because that Latino just brought
         Over forty of his friends who immediately go into the backyard and have a              
         barbecue for the next four years
         And as your running to the police station
         To get them to start an investigation
         Into some of the negative results you have experienced 
         Lately From our lax Immigration Legislation
         You run into a Chicano gang on the street who
         Gives you their typical friendly greeting     
         which involves being stabbed repeatedly in the chest
         after a severe 5 hour beating
         and when you finally make it to the station
         breathing and puffing and bleeding and exacerbated
         you find the Police Chief and you tell him
         what’s happened
         how your wife has been raped and
         as far as you can tell
         your 4-year-old son’s now pretty high up in the ranks
         of the Juarez Drug Cartel
         and how you’ve been stabbed and beaten
         and kicked and abused and whipped and bruised 
         and worst of all
         forced to eat strange Mexican food 
         and that your tongue still burns whenever you chew 
         and your tooshi still hurts whenever you poo
         and after your finally done recounting all this horror
         you just found yourself in 
         The Police Chief looks up 
         and says with a big grin
         “No Hablo Ingles muy bien!”
         and all because we let a few barefoot Mexicans in.